Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
