A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
