I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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