Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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