hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
