she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
