There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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