dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
