remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
