At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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