Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
