If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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