I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He better not be in your backpack
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
