Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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