never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
