We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just pee around me
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
