How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize