You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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