I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
