and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
