Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
