So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
