My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize