i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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