Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
