Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
