I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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