i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
