Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
