In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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