I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
