honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
