i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
