Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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