At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
