tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
