A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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