If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
