She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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