i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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