I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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