How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
