Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
