we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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