just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
