mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
