Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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