im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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