4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
