So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
