Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
