Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
