You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
