You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize