and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
