Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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