the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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