omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You pole danced in your parka.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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