just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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