I wish my penis had an off switch
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
