Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
