she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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