Please, let me fuck your mom
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
